It’s been just over two years since I last posted here and a lot has happened in that time, the worst of it being the passing of my lovely husband in November 2017. Four years earlier he’d started having weird issues with his voice such as totally losing it when in very loud environments that meant to you had to shout to be heard, and sometimes it was a bit “croaky”. After a few months of this I packed him off to the doctor, and a bunch of tests later he was confirm as having Laryngeal cancer. Essentially he had cancer in one of his vocal cords, which was very surprising to us since he had never smoked a cigarette in his life and was otherwise very fit and healthy – he would go for runs 6 days of the week!
After nine hours of surgery in August of that year he was declared cancer free! Needless to say, we were thrilled, but little did we realise that this was by no means the end of things. It turned out that MVM was a superstar at growing granulation tissue, and over the following 3+ years he had a further dozen surgeries and procedures to cut it out and try to make his voice louder.
Then in early 2017 we found out that he was also really good at this cancer growing business too. He was diagnosed with recurrent Laryngeal Cancer, and had another Tracheotomy so he could breath; the new tumour was crushing his windpipe. 35 sessions of radiology and three of chemo later he was diagnosed with secondary cancer; now in his trachea (windpipe). The doctors were astounded that even during his treatment he managed to grow more cancer! Last ditch efforts were 16 hours of surgery to remove the entire contents of this throat, and a few other bits and pieces, after which to our devastation, he still had cancer. Four weeks later his carotid artery gave way and he passed away in the night while still recovering in hospital.
Since then it’s been a roller coaster ride of emotions; even though I knew in my heart several months before he passed that I would be losing him, nothing prepared me for the depth of grief I feel. In hindsight I was very naïve about the difference between losing people who are important and close to you versus having your spouse die. It’s like grief on steroids!
I initially ploughed through my grief, facing it head on. About three months in I got a Tattoo on an inner ankle to remember him by…two hearts crossing each other. If you look closely enough you’ll see his initials of MVM.
Now, nearly two years later I am weary from the grief. When will it end? When will I feel normal again? Happy? Whole? What is normal now? Certainly this experience has changed me. Being in a relationship for 15 years changed me.
Still, life does keep moving forward, and the goal is to get up every day and try my best to live life. Hence the decision to get back to blogging; I have been crocheting again so have some wonderful projects to share with you all!
On that note, I’ll check out, and catch you soon with my next entry!